tarot creative diary no.1 | the forest lovers (The Wild Wood Tarot)
This is my weekly ancestral tarot spread, in which I ask the ancestors at my altar for creative and spiritual guidance as my life unfolds before my eyes. Tarot cards courtesy of The Wild Wood Tarot deck by Mark Ryan and John Matthews.
on shedding the selves
I feel like I’ve been going through a several years-long process of leaving behind all things “tradition”. I quit three full time jobs in the past five years while carrying years of burnout and exhaustion. I was a journalist, then a freelance journalist, then a public school teacher. Now I’m a very moody, dreamy, unemployed writer trying to get back to my voice.
During this most recent stint of unemployment, I’ve had to shed a lot of my external attachment to titles as a means of reorienting my internal sense of identity. Who am I when I don’t have a job? It’s been painful to say the least, but I’m glad — grateful even — for the chance to create my own self regard and personal safety without the gaze and validation of external sources. But, as I’ve been navigating this period of joblessness, I’ve had to face that creeping feeling of anxiety that comes with leaving behind normative structures of security. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that I’ve felt scared about not having a consistent source of income, having gaps in my health insurance coverage, and feeling very lost about my purpose or life’s work when it’s not in the neat container of a job. Briefly after the last full time job I quit, I felt a lot of panic: how was I to survive in this world without that biweekly check? What was I to say I “do” when people ask the dreaded “what do you do for work” question? But the truth of the matter is, many of my jobs felt like distractions from my real work. They stole my creative life force without giving me much back in return. Though the literal money I received through these jobs allowed for a certain sense of “security”, my internal artist never felt “safe”. I had to hide her and ignore her for years. That’s all to say, leaving my jobs was one way my inner artist was crying for more spaciousness, more nourishment, more pleasure.
Slowly, that panic about not having a job softened this summer. I started collaborating with dear friends to brainstorm other forms of work and income as an independent artist to support me during this transition period. Each day, I made slow and steady progress towards my new dreams. I reignited my self-care routines. I was walking everyday and eating a lot better. I was writing more frequently again. The small joys of life felt within reach. But as time passed and I struggled to articulate to myself what was next and how I was going to support myself, panic flooded in once more. I felt that sense of fragility and anxiety return.
That’s when I knew I had to talk to my ancestors. This week, I want to know more about how they hold or have held themselves in periods of big transition. How do they work with uncertainty and doubt? How do they nourish patience, self-trust, and gratitude internally when their material reality feels tumultuous?
First, I asked Sallie, my grandmother, to reflect on these questions and to show me what my current relationship is to doubt and insecurity. The card that revealed itself was The Forest Lovers.
card summary, distilled
Sallie, maternal grandmother - The Forest Lovers (representing balance in relationships and the union of two polarized forces)
the forest lovers - internal balance, harmony of polarized forces
The forest lovers is a card associated with the gateway to summer, the elements of fire and air, and the willing interchange of energy that creates fertile consciousness. In the card, a woman and man stand side by side. Between them stands a maypole, generated by their exchange of energy and symbolized by a living birch tree. Here, they represent the union of two polarized individuals and the love of all life that is born of this harmony.
As much as this card is about balance, I’ve always felt it’s just as much about self-acceptance. This is a card that teaches us to accept and integrate all aspects of our personality, the parts that we love and that parts that we struggle with, in order to arrive at true harmony within ourselves and with those we are in relation to, including our friends, family, lovers, nature, and all lifeforms. This card warns us that “if we fail to welcome all archetypes into our own house, they become disowned and troublesome, like mental poltergeists gently tapping on the window, seeking to be acknowledged” (Wild Wood Tarot Deck Guide Book, written by Mark Ryan and John Matthews).
I love that my grandmother, Sallie, chose this card to answer the question of how do I usually work with the energies of uncertainty, doubt, and loss of faith. I’m hearing her tell me that she sees me struggling to accept that in this current season of life, I am insecure and without a stable sense of identity. I see Sallie telling me that there is no amount of scheming, plotting, working, or running away from that will speed up this season of doubt. In this card, I hear that I am meant to be here with this doubt, to process and hold it, to be curious about it, and to allow it to show me who I am. The more I push it away, the more power doubt and uncertainty have over me. The more I lean into partnering doubt, the more harmony I can feel in the long term about the direction of my life.
the forest lovers reflection questions:
What aspects of self do you find great discomfort with?
What uncomfortable aspects of yourself do you want to look at more closely?
How do you hope to partner all your archetypes of self, particularly the ones you find challenging to love?
What supportive rituals could you start integrating in your life to help you practice self-acceptance?
reflection on overall message:
Looking at The Forest Lovers on the whole, I feel my grandmother asking me to reflect on my own history with doubt:
Why is my immediate response to insecurity always overwork and frenzy?
Why is it so natural for me to internalize changes in my external life (ie. Leaving a job, getting rejected from an application) as reflections of my inner worth and life potential?
Why is my immediate response to the richness that doubt has to offer me always fear?
How do I want to usher in a new kind of relationship with doubt?
coming next week…
If you made it this far in the blog post, thank you! I hope you can apply Sallie’s message to your own life in a way that feels generative. I hope these words opened up something within you.
If you liked this and are craving more, come back next week to see what Mary has to say about The Journey and The Moon card, as well as the forces that are feeling like obstacles in my life (and our lives) these days.
If you are new here and what to know more about who my ancestors were and how I have developed this ancestral tarot practice, check out the inaugural post to this series here.